Sunday, January 29, 2006


When I awoke this morning, my flatmate Peter told me that I had been sleepwalking again last night. In the middle of the night I apparently opened his bedroom door without knocking or warning, and asked for Awesome. Peter told me that Awesome was not in his bedroom. I told Peter that I really needed to find Awesome. Peter said that I wasn't my usual assertive self when I was on my middle-of-the-night search. Instead he told me that I was very concerned in a sweet sort of way, like a lost little boy who had had a nightmare. Concerned, Peter brought me to consciousness and I returned to my bed.

I barely remember this happening, and I wouldn't have remembered any of it unless Peter had brought it to my attention.

I used to sleepwalk all the time when I was a child. When I was 8 years old, my father once found me halfway down our street. When he caught up to me, I told him that I needed to go to the movies. At 2am. I do not remember any of this.

Another time, when I was 12, I walked into the living room of my childhood home, where my parents were watching television. Apparently I stood behind my father's plushy recliner and announced, "I can't go to the left."
My mother said, "Excuse me?"
"I can't go to the left."
She answered, "Well, why don't you go to bed?"
"Oh. Okay."
And I went to bed. Again: I have no memory of this.

Even earlier, when I was 5, apparently I needed to use the toilet but sleepwalked into the kitchen, opened the bottom cabinet drawers, mistook the cabinet for the toilet, and pissed all over the dishes. My mother threw away all the china in the cabinet and had to replace everything.

Multiple times during high school I would even take showers in my sleep. Maybe I was worried about being late for school, I don't know? My father used to tell me about how he would hear me turn on the shower around 2, 3, 4am, and begin getting ready for school in my sleep. Not even the blasting water could awaken me. One time before my sleepwalking shower, I accidentally threw my pajamas into the toilet and peed in the dirty clothes hamper.

Two years ago, when I first moved to London and my ex-friend Jon came from NYC to visit me, he angered me royally by being his usual selfish self. After going out all night - and completely unbeknownst to me, I swear - I sleepwalked and pissed directly into his Paul Smith shopping bags, all over his expensive new suit and other new clothing. Since I had been putting up with his shit for three days without complaining about his behavior, I was so proud of my bladder the next morning when he discovered his damp designer apparel.

I don't know why my sleepwalking involves urine so often? Perhaps that's usual for most sleepwalkers, I don't know. I'm thankful to have a kind flatmate so I didn't go ring the next-door-neighbor's doorbell when I was on my search for Awesome. Who knows what sort of trouble I would get myself into, or where I'd end up, if I lived alone.

I told Awesome about my search last night and he started crying, I think out of happiness.

In Australia a doctor has discovered a female patient whose sleepwalking causes her to go out and have sex with total strangers while she’s asleep. ... They could have diagnosed this years ago, but no guys ever complained. - Jay Leno