Tuesday, February 07, 2006


I am speaking at countless conferences during the spring semester. Next month I am also speaking at a well-known film festival. Yesterday morning I taught my first class of the spring term in a massive lecture hall. For a few moments I went on a random tangent about how I rarely use literary examples written by Dead White Men because they are barely relevant for a multi-cultural classroom during this new millennium of sparring globalization.

And then I come home from uni to find an email from my baby brother. Boy occasionally asks me to look at his work before turning it in and often times I don't know what to tell him. This, for example, is one of his most accomplished works of academia, which was the persuasive speech written for his Speech Writing class:

Hey dude will you tell me if this is good?

Why Midgets Should Be Pets

by Boy

Have you ever been sitting on your couch playing your FIFA Playstation game and you run out of beer? Then did you wish your dog could go to the grocery store and buy more beer for you? But then you realize, Dumbass, my dog can't drive and he doesn't have a wallet. So that's why you need a midget for a pet. If you have a midget for a pet, he could clean your house for you and also go buy you beer when you run out. And then while you're playing FIFA again, you could put your beer can on his head like he's a little table...

The email he sent me yesterday had his paper on Black History Month attached:

Cultural Diversity With Black Men Athletes

by Boy

I love black people! Some black people are so tall. Many of them can run really fast, and not just because they're running really fast getting away from the police. Many black people are so tall because of history. In the olden days, black people were called negrows. Get it? Ne-grows? This gives them height. Speaking of height, lotsa black people like to get high...

Truth be known, Boy actually got an A on his midget speech after some careful revision. How this happened, I do not know - I would have failed him. This time, though, I told him that he probably shouldn't turn in his Black History Month paper and just go ahead and fail the class. Boy is five years younger than me but I will most likely finish my PhD before he finishes his seven-to-eight year BA - and I haven't been going to university all of my life...I worked full-time for a few years in between.

Granted, self-censoring is not really my forte, either. Last fall I gave a very graphic presentation about the representation of prostitutes and porn actresses in millennial cinema. In graphic detail I discussed what Pretty Woman's Vivian Ward would really have had done to her if the film had any element of truth. Taking my cue from real porns, I verbally stuffed into Viv's vagina a candlestick, a mobile phone, and the Las Palmas Hotel suite's blow dryer, and then had Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) rape her and leave her for dead. I painted the picture of Shirley Valentine being anally raped; Linda Ash from Mighty Aphrodite giving head for cash in the middle of Central Park; and Jodie Foster's hooker from Taxi Driver being held at gunpoint while a client made her fuck a horse with a strap-on. I expected a giant room of Angry Feminists to throw books at me afterward but most of them hugged me, and then the key note speaker asked me to come speak to her class this term.

On my old blog I must've written a snippet from this presentation because multiple times my Sitemeter told me that some people have Googled my quote:

Thelma and Louise may have abandoned their phallic shaped weapons and plummeted into the Giant Vagina of Mother Earth...

Dude. If you are one of these people, you so cannot take credit for it when writing your term papers. I will cut you. Okay, not really. But at least give me a citation.

Perhaps I will give more substantial information about my upcoming conferences and publications, as they are quite reputable and I am very excited to be in print on an international level (Yay!). But do I really want everyone to know my full name after all this time? Hrmmm...

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it. - Dave Chappelle