Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Last night I was in an ultimate state of simultaneous horror and mortification. But just because of TV. Did anyone else watch that Channel 4 documentary about Patrick Henry College, which is in the States, specifically Virginia? I do not watch TV. Normally. Sometimes when I'm home alone, I'll turn it on just for background noise (I abhore silence), but nothing ever captivates me enough to watch, you know, actual shows. I've tried watching Michael Scofield on Prison Break and he doesn't even seduce me to watch an hour of TV. But last night, this documentary grounded my ass to the sofa, and I was horrified.

This cult called Patrick Henry College is a for-real university where they only accept white heterosexual Christians who sing hardcore Christian carols and, you know, nursery rhymes together like 18 times a day, complete with banjo accompaniment and those real fanatics who sing with their arms up in the air like they have rancid diseases festering in their armpits. And then they all take field trips to the White House so they can tell all the Republican congressmen how much they love them! They go in groups, like it's a special field trip for which their parents signed permissions slips. This is part of the course curriculum. Like Mormons, they dress up in suits and bring bibles to the white house. Well, to be fair, one guy needed a bible to sit on and see while watching a press conference - he was totally shorter than me. I've been to DC before, but I'd never realized that all the Republican senators in the White House need speech lessons, as they all turn two-syllable words into 7-syllable words, and speak really, really loud, as if everyone around them is deaf. Then, the P.H.C. cult members go attempt to pester the Democrat congressmen whenever they can spot one, and harrass them about abortion, gay marriage, women's rights, minority rights, etc. At point I watched a gaggle of female students hypocritically preach to a Democrat senator about how there should not be as many women in the workplace because all women need to raise babies in captivity; it was so odd, as if they didn't even know what they were saying.

Watching them was so spooky. It's like the characters of The Crucible escaped like 200 years later and bought some suits at present-day Wal-Mart that they thought actually looked good.

In one scene, three girls were brain-washed into believing that only "good" families are those where the woman stays at home to cook and clean while the man works in the White House for Jesus (although, as I watched closely, I did not actually see any footage of Jesus in the White House - he must've been in a meeting with Moses, Bush, and the Virgin Mary). In another scene a sophomore stood in front of the entire school congregation and told all the students how he was kicked out of his 19 extra-curricular activities because there were exactly two (2) nights when he drank and smoked (horror, I know!!!!!!!!!!), and "turned into one of the people we all hate." Just by watching him you could tell he had a flask in one of his khaki pants pocket, and a joint in the other, but as long as he lied, it was okay.

They don't even drink or smoke or have sex. They only watch American Idol and play Christian Charades about donkeys and virgins and donkey virgins, and then write letters to Southern congressmen. One guy had never left Virginia before - because he didn't see the point. Another guy was 22 and his balls still hadn't dropped. Another guy looked like a regular frat dude but walked with a limp "that God gave him." That's just not a very good present. If God gave me a limp, I'd give God a permanent broken arm. Rather, I'd give God a hysterectomy with an Exacto knife, no matter God's gender. A female student told everyone that getting a job after college, as well as life in general, is just like playing frisbee golf. (At which point, voilent laughter caused me to spit Chenin Blanc all over myself.) And she was serious about it, with bad metaphors and everything!

Most worrisome: This university has the most interns in the White House on an annual basis!!! No, they really do. No exaggeration on my part. The university prides itself that the White House, the building that governs America, accepts the most interns (and new graduates) more than another other school on earth! How fucking scary is that?

Then, they all go lynch niggers, Jews, faggots, feminists, and Gloria Stuart, that old lady from Titanic. Okay, I'm exaggerating about that last sentence, but I bet they want to. That will be next. Negroes, Queers, and Gloria Stuart. Out of curiousity and fear (and to make sure that this was a real place, that I wasn't watching a fictional documentary or mockumentary), I checked out the university website. They actually have a non-discriminaton policy where they say that black people and other minorities are allowed to apply. Funny, though, I didn't see any minorities in the documentary.

I mean, really. Fucking frisbee golf? That's not even a real sport! I have changed my mind. I am never moving back to America. I can't!

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more? - Chris Rock